Hey Frankie - okay - a couple of things then: the first is I think you're written nicely filmic script (I like the opening/closing shot structure with the reveal that he's arrived on the stigma) and I know this is going to translate into a dynamic animatic.
I was a bit confused as to 'where/when' your story is happening: I don't think it's necessary at all to tell us that this is taking placing in 'California' - especially, as your characters seem to be speaking in a sort of Cockney accent (I think?). I'm not sure if this is happening 'in the past' - or 'now' or in the UK or what, and I think it's really important to understand this and decide it, otherwise things might get a bit strange for your audience. In terms of your script too - you're writing the Sergeant's dialogue in such a way as to create an accent, but any voice actor would do this for you I think, so it's better to write the dialogue as it should be and then you would direct the actor to deliver it the way you want. I was struggling to 'hear' what accent you wanted me to hear when I was reading, and again, my advice is to calibrate the time/place of your animation very clearly.
I was a bit confused by the daffodil... so I checked and yes, daffodils are wind pollinated but they're insect pollinated too - which means perhaps, in terms of revision and teaching, it might not be the best example, because it's not a typical example of a wind-pollinated flower in terms of its structure - so it's not a grass or a cereal crop. It's more typical of wind pollinated flowers that they're not big, colourful or scented (Daffodils are all of these things) and the difference between the structures of insect-pollinated/wind-pollinated flowers is going to be one of those things kids are going to have to understand in terms of the subject area... I don't think it would change your story at all if you were to swap out your daffodil for a different plant. It would help your cause, I think.
So - short version - I don't think you need to specify an actual place in your animation (otherwise a learner might think this only relates to something happening in that specific region), but you do need to decide where/when your animation is set in so much as you need to be spoofing an American War Film or a British War Film - but not some strange blend of the two. I strongly suggest you swap out your big show yellow daffodil for a more typical example of an exclusively wind-pollinated plant - avoid confusion this way and keep the characteristics as separate as possible (and not combined, as is true of the daffodil).
Hey Frankie - can you send me a Word version? Ta!
ReplyDeleteOkay!
ReplyDeleteHey Frankie - okay - a couple of things then: the first is I think you're written nicely filmic script (I like the opening/closing shot structure with the reveal that he's arrived on the stigma) and I know this is going to translate into a dynamic animatic.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused as to 'where/when' your story is happening: I don't think it's necessary at all to tell us that this is taking placing in 'California' - especially, as your characters seem to be speaking in a sort of Cockney accent (I think?). I'm not sure if this is happening 'in the past' - or 'now' or in the UK or what, and I think it's really important to understand this and decide it, otherwise things might get a bit strange for your audience. In terms of your script too - you're writing the Sergeant's dialogue in such a way as to create an accent, but any voice actor would do this for you I think, so it's better to write the dialogue as it should be and then you would direct the actor to deliver it the way you want. I was struggling to 'hear' what accent you wanted me to hear when I was reading, and again, my advice is to calibrate the time/place of your animation very clearly.
I was a bit confused by the daffodil... so I checked and yes, daffodils are wind pollinated but they're insect pollinated too - which means perhaps, in terms of revision and teaching, it might not be the best example, because it's not a typical example of a wind-pollinated flower in terms of its structure - so it's not a grass or a cereal crop. It's more typical of wind pollinated flowers that they're not big, colourful or scented (Daffodils are all of these things) and the difference between the structures of insect-pollinated/wind-pollinated flowers is going to be one of those things kids are going to have to understand in terms of the subject area... I don't think it would change your story at all if you were to swap out your daffodil for a different plant. It would help your cause, I think.
So - short version - I don't think you need to specify an actual place in your animation (otherwise a learner might think this only relates to something happening in that specific region), but you do need to decide where/when your animation is set in so much as you need to be spoofing an American War Film or a British War Film - but not some strange blend of the two. I strongly suggest you swap out your big show yellow daffodil for a more typical example of an exclusively wind-pollinated plant - avoid confusion this way and keep the characteristics as separate as possible (and not combined, as is true of the daffodil).