First things first... I don't think your story needs any dialogue at all and if you ditch all the dialogue, I think you'll have a punchier version on your hands straight away. I think you can show the surgeon's crisis through images alone - for example, if you're trying to show that he's botched an operation, then you could show the surgery as you have done etc, but end the sequence with the moment when the surgeon is unwrapping the patient's bandaged face - we don't see the face of the patient as the final bandage comes off, we see the surgeon's reaction to it - he is aghast - he's got it horribly wrong; you could then have a quick scene which shows us the surgeon going into the 'Around The World Cruises' shop wearing a pair of dark glasses as he passes someone reading a newspaper on the street with the headline that says 'Shamed Hollywood Plastic Surgeon is Missing!' (or something like that). I just think you could tighten up that whole flashback sequence to excise all the chat, but also really signal to the audiences how/why the surgeon is on the cruise ship in the first place. It won't surprise you to read that I likewise think you could and should get rid of all the talking between the surgeon and the mermaid - you honestly don't need it - and it would be better in terms of screen direction if you could accomplish everything visually - so show the building up of trust between the two characters via cutting between their expressions and using the spatial relations of the camera and different types of shot to show the development. In practical terms, you just don't have time for all that talk re. your run time.
Actually - your storyboards do communicate that you're thinking about your story dynamically - they're basic, yes, but I can get a sense of how you're using camera angle and types of shot to propel the story along.
Just in terms of your ending - I don't think it's quite there - it might be that you can use the 'newspaper headline' idea (or something like it) to finish things off nicely - so for example, at the very end of the film, after we leave the surgeon's office, we see someone reading a newspaper that says 'Plastic Surgeon Returns - Celebrities rejoice!' (well not that, but you see what I mean... something that repeats or returns to something we've been shown earlier that completes your story very clearly).
It does seem your big challenge is one of art direction and a visual concept: you might want to look at 1950s animation (your surgeon character has this quality already) - for your over-arching rule-book; 1950s animation was quite abstracted and kept things simple - take a look at some of these examples - it would require a different approach to digital painting etc - a more shapes/lasso-tool methodology - but it would chime nicely with your 50s cruise ship setting...
OGR 09/02/2018
ReplyDeleteHey Frankie,
First things first... I don't think your story needs any dialogue at all and if you ditch all the dialogue, I think you'll have a punchier version on your hands straight away. I think you can show the surgeon's crisis through images alone - for example, if you're trying to show that he's botched an operation, then you could show the surgery as you have done etc, but end the sequence with the moment when the surgeon is unwrapping the patient's bandaged face - we don't see the face of the patient as the final bandage comes off, we see the surgeon's reaction to it - he is aghast - he's got it horribly wrong; you could then have a quick scene which shows us the surgeon going into the 'Around The World Cruises' shop wearing a pair of dark glasses as he passes someone reading a newspaper on the street with the headline that says 'Shamed Hollywood Plastic Surgeon is Missing!' (or something like that). I just think you could tighten up that whole flashback sequence to excise all the chat, but also really signal to the audiences how/why the surgeon is on the cruise ship in the first place. It won't surprise you to read that I likewise think you could and should get rid of all the talking between the surgeon and the mermaid - you honestly don't need it - and it would be better in terms of screen direction if you could accomplish everything visually - so show the building up of trust between the two characters via cutting between their expressions and using the spatial relations of the camera and different types of shot to show the development. In practical terms, you just don't have time for all that talk re. your run time.
Actually - your storyboards do communicate that you're thinking about your story dynamically - they're basic, yes, but I can get a sense of how you're using camera angle and types of shot to propel the story along.
Just in terms of your ending - I don't think it's quite there - it might be that you can use the 'newspaper headline' idea (or something like it) to finish things off nicely - so for example, at the very end of the film, after we leave the surgeon's office, we see someone reading a newspaper that says 'Plastic Surgeon Returns - Celebrities rejoice!' (well not that, but you see what I mean... something that repeats or returns to something we've been shown earlier that completes your story very clearly).
It does seem your big challenge is one of art direction and a visual concept: you might want to look at 1950s animation (your surgeon character has this quality already) - for your over-arching rule-book; 1950s animation was quite abstracted and kept things simple - take a look at some of these examples - it would require a different approach to digital painting etc - a more shapes/lasso-tool methodology - but it would chime nicely with your 50s cruise ship setting...
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51HGC5HN90L.jpg
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/68/9a/06/689a06daf717b26c7eaa04de7e6f16fc--cartoon-background-animation-background.jpg
http://www.jiangluosan.net/img41/iakrdyxfiqsnqeheeaiv.jpg
https://78.media.tumblr.com/b983c5410f3f2fb6010d953760f22d52/tumblr_nexmy0PlRU1r0rhngo1_1280.jpg
http://theimaginaryworld.com/rayart50.jpg